D.C. Office
357 Dirksen Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Phone: (202) 224-3344
Fax: (202) 228-0566
October 17th, 2018
Dear Diary,
Oh. My. Gah. Taylor Swift publicly endorsed Phil Bredesen today and then said that MY voting record “appalls” her and “terrifies” her. I cannot BELIEVE this girl! To protest, I will be burning all of her cds and all the tour merch I bought. I no longer consider myself a Swiftie.
I don’t care if he’s a colored, I’m now a Kanye West fan. Except on Thursdays for Klan meetings. It would really suck to wake up with a cross burning on my lawn, amirite? Lololol
April 18th, 2020
Dear Diary,
We are still on lockdown from this Wuhan virus. It’s caused everybody to panic and buy up all of the toilet paper so now there’s a nationwide shortage. I’m worried what other shortages this virus will cause, so I’m buying as much AquaNet as I can find on Amazon.
March 27th, 2023
Dear Diary,
Today was the best day ever! First, I found a dime in the parking lot, then I received a 20% off coupon from Chico’s in my email, AND THEN I received a very large donation & beautiful gift basket from the NRA, mainly full of ammo & hairspray.
Life really doesn’t get any better than this.
Oh yeah, there was a shooting at The Covenant School in Nashville. =( totes super sad, but don’t worry, I’ll pray to God to not let it ruin the rest of my day. they need bigger doors on that school. That should solve it.
October 2nd, 2024
Dear Diary,
My day started out wonderful, the rat family that lives in my hair & helps me cook dinner had babies today! I’m thinking about maybe leaving politics to become a chef & open my own restaurant just like that Disney movie. Lololol jk, I’m just being silly, the NRA & oil companies pay me way more than I could ever make as a chef.
Speaking of silly things, another very annoying hurricane has hit. So obviously because I care about white American people so much, I joined a bunch of my peers in writing a letter to Congress for a disaster relief package to be passed, but now the internet is making fun of me for previously voting against extending FEMA funding. They just don’t get it, I wasn’t voting against FEMA, I was voting against the illegals getting attorneys! Sometimes I feel so misunderstood.
October 4th, 2024
Dear Diary,
Some guy on the internet made a parody website about me trying to ruin my campaign by using facts about my political career and real things I’ve said publicly. What an idiot, there’s nothing wrong with anything I’ve done, he’s only going to help boost me.
However, I am a bit worried about how he obtained copies of my diary entries. I have a Klan meeting tonight & now they’re going to know that I love Kanye.